The past of a very dark day. Sep. 2012 ( Oa essay )

©copyright2013owpp

This is a article I should remember to read when my abstinence quivers or doubts.
Am I glad we don’t have many moments like these in our lives!
There is truly, nothing that tastes better than abstinence.

Dark moment
——————

People usually die once. I have died a few deaths and keep on doing so.
Occasionally, I come back to the living, but end it off, of my own accord.

Some have others torturing them. A partner, husband, friend, colleague… I am privileged. I have my own torturer. ME.
I destroy myself. I am my worst enemy. I attack myself, by stuffing my body with food I don’t even desire or savor. Always in search of some taste bud-thrill, that will entertain my pallet a while longer.
It is a food-rage. It kills my soul, bit by bit. I have gone a thousand times to hell and back. Now, nothing seems to bring me home. I am spiraling downwards and speed my fall by letting go of all the ropes. No relief in sight.
Pain is the only feeling that visits my solitude.
This “ now “ is not the companion I was looking for. I try to shake it off but it sticks to my ego, my famous ego. You know, the one that takes so much space, there is no room for beauty. Just trouble.
I have been told to let go of it and have tried but do not know how.
My journey could have been uneventful had I known the secret but, my ego has a long life or maybe seven lives, like the cats, is it not what they say?
So, I resign myself to my cycle of suffering and despair yet in the hope of getting another glance at a paradise I have lived and left in a nearly forgotten past…

The one that people call with a moan and a sigh… LIFE.

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Going in circles, lying in wait and questioning Sep. 2012 ( Oa essay )

©copyright2013owpp

As you see this essay was written a few months ago but I go with the idea that my experience might help someone out there and in that way, take out the positive from the negative, even though some will debate about an experience being negative or not 🙂

Going in circles…
——————-

How do we escape those furious bouts of eating. Why do we have to put the rage of our emotions in food?
Don’t we realize the grave we are digging by such behavior, do we feel our heart beating furiously, our breathing heavier by the second?
Illness is feared by so many yet common sense evaporates into thin air when confronted with food.
Death is a subject practically taboo today, we are so afraid of it but, don’t we realize we are shortening our lives?
How is it possible that we are perfectly rational human beings but totally oblivious to reality when dealing with food?
Somebody in their right sense of mind would never mutilate their body the way we do. We become self-destructive to the extreme and call it “spoiling ourselves-taking a break- letting loose- chilling- taking it easy or taking care”.

Taking CARE of ourselves?!

How could we possibly ever think of it in those terms when, we see our body swelling and ourselves sliding down emotionally to a bottomless pit?
Is this the insanity Oa talks about? Being perfectly sane in all other matters, more than anyone around until…
How do we make sense of all this? We know off-by-heart the words of wisdom, we don’t want to hear them. So, how do we pull ourselves out… Seek our H.P? We know. We do. But WE put ourselves into this mess not him.
In his great generosity he will drag us back out. We know. But why are we still stuck? Will we stay here, this time for good? Where is the energy we need, where did it disappear when we had it?

It went with that ONE bite!

That is how tricky that one bite is. Why didn’t we listen, why didn’t we stop right on time, where did our strength and determination go flying when we were challenged?
So many questions and no answers!
We think we can manage what we call “ that innocent bite “ but that is where it brought us to.
When granted abstinence, we are wearing a crown, we are bestowed with a most precious gift. We should try not to discard it at a whim.

It is easier to say no to one bite, than saying yes, to months of struggle until we muster a mountain of courage to get back on track.

The lesson is, do not throw away what is most valuable to you. Know that abstinence is not a gift we find everywhere, anytime. It is a present given seldom. After seeking, begging for it and offered with much deliberation.

Do we know when the opportunity will arise again? We do not. We lie in wait… Hoping, this time, we will be the lucky winners once again.
But uncertainty gnaws at us, it bites into our hope, bit by bit, until we find ourselves on our knees.

Why does it have to be that way, are we so used to be in “ desperation mode “ and repeat the same pattern to go back to what is familiar and comfortable even if it’s a hell-hole?
How do we and can we, erase our past-programming? Are we doomed or will we realize one day that life has so much more to offer?
Be a slave and serve our addiction or, invite freedom and joy?

We COULD grow up and see that they are the only things worth living for and ask to be given clarity of mind to make the right choices in our lives and, strength to have a lasting abstinence this time round.
The one given once in a lifetime to the few privileged…The chosen.

By him as much as by us.

The pit. Sep. 2012 ( Oa essay )

©copyright2013owpp

Life is a journey…
The way for some, is long and arduous but the reward is so gratifying!

In Oa we are like newborns having to learn the first steps of good habits in order to delight in
the ” normal ” life others might take for granted.

I hope you enjoy this essay!

The pit
——–

It happened to me so fast. I was taken by surprise once again.

I am amazed at my gift of falling down the trap so many times and always reacting with the innocence and naivete of a newborn.

How many more of these tribulations do I need until I experience the Nirvana, the bliss of long-term abstinence?

Time and again, I had read about not letting ourselves go Hungry-Angry-Lonely-tired? Those are our red lights. Our warning signs. Yet, that’s exactly what I did, at the beginning of school year in September.

Having to wake up at 6 Am was a major adjustment after two months “holidays “.

It got me extremely tired and by the third day, there was no reasoning going on in my mind. I could not think rationally, give myself advice or take adequate measures.

I found myself as a sleep walker, going to the fridge, stretching out for some food, recollecting vaguely a distant short debate occurring in my numbed mind… “the” voice answering back about not having the energy to fight the urge.

There was no physical strength in me therefore no emotional one either to rationalize. The urge was so big, it just took over. It felt like the invasion of a tsunami. There was no way I was going to find a breach to squeeze myself in to make “it” see sense.

A huge force which I knew from the start who would be the victor.

I let it happen. Did not even feel the “ I ” letting it. I was void emotionally yet it was the “ I “ that wanted to have it, how does one explain that?

The only explanation I can come up with now is, that’s why it’s called “ the pit “ . We hit rock bottom and don’t have the natural resources to behave in a disciplined way. Thinking straight is the last thing possible. Hence, the warnings of H-A-L-T .

Then came the “ revelation “…

Suddenly it all made sense…

All I had to do in the future is, prevention rather than cure. When feeling those “ symptoms “ , look after it in order to prevent the chaos of its destruction once in motion.

It is that simple!

Yet again, not always easy. We tend to forget how dangerous some zones can be, and find ourselves repeating the same mistakes.
I can’t deny the fact that I have learned every time something new, but I wonder what makes me different from other O.A members who grasp at abstinence from the word go and don’t let go of it, aware of its priceless gift.

They take the highway where as I…

I browse, I feel, I hurt, I grunt, I marvel…

I learn.

I learn the hard way. I forget, then, a miracles happen.

I open my file of essays and fall on one article which becomes a new message to me all over again. I open the book “ A new beginning “ and feel it speaking directly to my soul. A million different occurrences which I call miracles.

I imagine it’s my higher power’s way of reminding me, he is there to assist me. To protect and embrace me in his powerful love.

But it is not all about me.

If anyone of you out there reading this article can identify with it, it would make it worthwhile.
If it helps anyone in the slightest way well, maybe, just maybe, taking the long way was not a bad
idea after all.

The arid desert and arriving home 2012

Relapse and hangover
———————-

You wake up in the morning in a daze shaking off the remnants of what you still believe is a nightmare as a dog would, his fur, after a swim in the icy waters of a December sea.

But no matter how hard you shake, reality seeps in the fogginess of your dulled brain, rays
of light sweep through the dingy alleyways and you are confronted with the naked truth.

It was not a bad dream and yet how many times have you woken up having ” binged ” your way through with the foods you would have never assented to in day time.

At this point, not yet fully awake, with the sense of sluggishness lingering and your steps dragging you down as a millstone attached to your ankles, there is no mistaking the self-made situation you find yourself in.

You dust the residues of madness off your shoulders, stand tall, head high and make a conscientious decision to act habitually from now on.

Hope lightens this juncture, regular behavior patterns just pick themselves up back again and join your life, welcomed as a long lost child after a journey in the arid desert of the Sahara.

All is fine and seems under control until remnants, sneak their way back in, just in an instant of inattention. Before you have time to quickly take your ” tools ” out.

And you are back to square one, with a bitter taste in your mouth, lingering for a indefinite
amount of time no matter what cure you seek. So, you accept the notion that there is no quick-fix
for a lifetime of roller-coasters toward food.

Tenacity

You persevere tenaciously with the obstinacy of the doomed, the condemned, knowing there is no way out of this one. You drag out your tool box with purposefulness and pray for the willingness that produces,persistency,determination and patience. And before you know it, you reconnect with the familiar and comforting world of O.A with the soothing feeling of having arrived.

Where isolation does not have a place, where everyone knows how it feels because not so long ago,they were there too.

P.S This article was written four months ago, I am glad for the moment to be home.
I hope you enjoyed it, Let me know.

A moment of clarity and revelation 2010

Detachment…

This essay was written a while ago, but I thought it might help others struggling, if it does, all the better!

Revelations
————-

After two full years of constant relapses, we can get desperate.
So, knowing it’s, this or nothing, we go back to O.A literature we’d given up in dejection, and as we read the
book ” Hope for today ” of O.A, we are struck by three words that keep recurring.

Detachment-Forgiveness-and-Emptiness

Detachment, seems, ( at least for the people who get too involved or entangled ) to be one of the keys to success
in abstinence.

Why?

Well, if we remove ourselves from situations and sometimes people, ( in a positive sense, meaning, right time, right
place ) we’d put less energy, taking to heart THEIR lives or situation and have more left ” to put our house in order ”

If we observe people who are detached, they might seem aloof or cold, but all they are doing is keeping their lives
much simpler than ours.

Forgiveness:
Asking for forgiveness is something we think everyone practices, when harming another.
We feel betrayed, hurt and trampled on, when apologies do not occur. We wait, for recognition of their acts. For
responsibility to be taken, as it’s usually done, after calmly reassessing a situation.

Years go by and we are still waiting… Wasting our time, and on occasion, using food as a temporary relief, when it suddenly dawns on us…

Forgiveness will never be asked for, but what stops us from going on with OUR lives? It doesn’t stop OUR forgiveness.

I quote:
Forgiveness is something I do with my H.P’s help and I do it for me. I don’t need anyone’s apology to begin my healing
process. ( Hope for today. page 274 )

We cannot absorb the meaning of those words all at once. Only later, does it hit us with it’s full impact.
All the hurt, had actually nothing to do with our getting on, living and being happy.

People can choose to stay stuck in THEIR place, but we can and will, live, in its true sense from now on.

Before, everything seemed, one big, muddled heap, but now, we can divide it in two parts. People asking for forgiveness and taking responsibility, is one part that belongs to them and our lives, is the second part that belongs to us.

Free, clean and pure.

Only with that realization are we clear to burst forth, with life, energy and joy.

Excess luggage

Simplify our existence instead of wallowing in the past and wasting precious time. Only then, are we clean. After years of
dragging the muck of a dead past, we don’t have to own it. People have attitudes, which we were involuntary witnesses of,
WE don’t have to carry it.

That is forgiveness. Not bearing excessive luggage and forgiving ourselves for having done so until now. That’s the detachment needed too. Knowing what is ours and what is theirs.

Emptiness:
Emptiness is something everyone has to deal with, one time or another, but occasionally, there is a need to read about others
experiences to fully accept it. We don’t always imbibe the meaning of the term Emptiness and for some, it can be further from
their mind than the moon is to earth.

Emotions tend to dig themselves so deep in the psyche, we might have had a hard time excavating them, had we had the possibility
to do so. Filling the space, emptiness brings, with food, is never the solution, we just end up having to confront two predicaments.

So, here we are, on a holiday, a break or simply at home relaxing, where one has time to ” digest ” ideas we normally would happily
discard, clarity is given an opportunity and before we know it, we are awarded with a second chance to life. But… Sporadically,
our mind takes back old habits ( we never change that fast 🙂 ) and we wonder… Will that feeling last? That sense of elation, freedom
and joy? Will it leave its emblem guiding our ” vista ” or will we go back to our old resentments.

We do not have a clue.

All we can do is ” keep it simple ” live the moment fully, absorb the information and go on from there, to the place we really want to be.

A borough where serenity is king.

Leaving the world of numbness 2012 ( My first day of abstinence )

Withdrawal symptoms
——————–

When we finally decide to leave the world of numbness food leaves us with, and practice abstinence on a moment basis, we are left with a void that needs to be filled.
( That’s when we should consider taking up a hobby )

Feelings are raw, as the effect of over-consumption weans off. We use food as a ” bumper ” to cushion whatever comes our way. It seems easier, but it’s short-lived, false calmness.
Things just spiral out of control and we are left with more than we can deal with. ” Food is not the answer “. That sentence should be written on post-its and stuck everywhere as
reminders.

We forget so easily!

What is important, for all of you out there, who are trying as hard as we do to make this work, is to understand, those are the normal body-cleansing procedures. The withdrawal symptoms if you want. So, don’t curl up in desperation or go back to food. It passes much quicker than expected and we are left with a sense of victory… We made it through without giving up! We persevered until we saw the light shining at the end of the tunnel and now, our mind is clear, our days are brighter, there’s a joyous skip in our heartbeat and every little thing that comes by, seems a blessing.

Why have we waited so long to take this road? Why does everyone ” seem ” ( only to us. They’re surely having a wonderful day! ) so sluggish around us? Can’t they feel what we feel?

Those are ” the promises ” we read in the Big.Book. Suddenly there’s an awakening as to the teachings and we give our thanks to the system that has saved us by giving support to all in need.
We then, go on trying to live in the grace of the moment with the hope, that if we ever come across another crazy wish to take that extra bite, we’ll have the awareness as to the consequences of that fatal gesture.

Enjoy your weekend!

How do we clear our conditioned minds? 2012

That sparkle…
©copyright2013owpp

Hi Everyone!

How do we clear our minds of given ideas?We know those ideas don’t suit us, yet we return to them in an automatic reflex.
I wish someone had the answer, meanwhile I settle with the saying ( If I remember it correctly ) ” repetition is the only form of consistency we can achieve “.
What came out of it nevertheless, was an article which I hope you’ll enjoy!

Our conditioned minds
———————–

” We come in for vanity, we continue for sanity, we stay for serenity ” . Another saying which is true, down to its last word. ( For anyone of you who have tried OA )
There’s only one slight problem there, we stay for years on the first sentence, before we realize it’s the last two, which are the glue to program.

They are the reason, people stick to meetings year in, year out, accepting the imperfections that come with the long journey we’ve embarked upon.
Our brains are so conditioned to think vainly, when our abstinence goes haywire, the first thing that comes to our mind is, ” I won’t fit into my jeans tomorrow! ”
But what about our thoughts, feelings, emotions, our view toward life, the world and the positivity that comes along with a serene abstinence, the sun that persistently manifests itself in the darkest of our wintry days?

THAT is actually the reason we stay on, paving our way, ( sometimes on hands and feet ) clearing the stones, which come along a new track. Or even an old one for that matter!
Our minds just need training. It needs getting into the habit of thinking sanely. knowing what truly matters. What is relevant in our lives right NOW. Is it the ” jeans ” or the sparkle, vitality, vigor, verve, zest, pep… So many synonyms yet all of them describe the exact way we feel on abstinence, and that’s the ONLY reason we’re still here.

Our psyche might still be on the old ” program ” by years of indoctrination and automatically goes to conceit but if we stop for a moment and ponder on why we stubbornly linger and try to carve for ourselves a little space in this amazing ” plan of action ” this very efficient ” project for the living ” we’d realize and conclude we’re in it for the ” core “.

For the soul it brings back to us.

Have a very good day!