As you see this essay was written a few months ago but I go with the idea that my experience might help someone out there and in that way, take out the positive from the negative, even though some will debate about an experience being negative or not 🙂
Going in circles…
How do we escape those furious bouts of eating. Why do we have to put the rage of our emotions in food?
Don’t we realize the grave we are digging by such behavior, do we feel our heart beating furiously, our breathing heavier by the second?
Illness is feared by so many yet common sense evaporates into thin air when confronted with food.
Death is a subject practically taboo today, we are so afraid of it but, don’t we realize we are shortening our lives?
How is it possible that we are perfectly rational human beings but totally oblivious to reality when dealing with food?
Somebody in their right sense of mind would never mutilate their body the way we do. We become self-destructive to the extreme and call it “spoiling ourselves-taking a break- letting loose- chilling- taking it easy or taking care”.
Taking CARE of ourselves?!
How could we possibly ever think of it in those terms when, we see our body swelling and ourselves sliding down emotionally to a bottomless pit?
Is this the insanity Oa talks about? Being perfectly sane in all other matters, more than anyone around until…
How do we make sense of all this? We know off-by-heart the words of wisdom, we don’t want to hear them. So, how do we pull ourselves out… Seek our H.P? We know. We do. But WE put ourselves into this mess not him.
In his great generosity he will drag us back out. We know. But why are we still stuck? Will we stay here, this time for good? Where is the energy we need, where did it disappear when we had it?
It went with that ONE bite!
That is how tricky that one bite is. Why didn’t we listen, why didn’t we stop right on time, where did our strength and determination go flying when we were challenged?
So many questions and no answers!
We think we can manage what we call “ that innocent bite “ but that is where it brought us to.
When granted abstinence, we are wearing a crown, we are bestowed with a most precious gift. We should try not to discard it at a whim.
It is easier to say no to one bite, than saying yes, to months of struggle until we muster a mountain of courage to get back on track.
The lesson is, do not throw away what is most valuable to you. Know that abstinence is not a gift we find everywhere, anytime. It is a present given seldom. After seeking, begging for it and offered with much deliberation.
Do we know when the opportunity will arise again? We do not. We lie in wait… Hoping, this time, we will be the lucky winners once again.
But uncertainty gnaws at us, it bites into our hope, bit by bit, until we find ourselves on our knees.
Why does it have to be that way, are we so used to be in “ desperation mode “ and repeat the same pattern to go back to what is familiar and comfortable even if it’s a hell-hole?
How do we and can we, erase our past-programming? Are we doomed or will we realize one day that life has so much more to offer?
Be a slave and serve our addiction or, invite freedom and joy?
We COULD grow up and see that they are the only things worth living for and ask to be given clarity of mind to make the right choices in our lives and, strength to have a lasting abstinence this time round.
The one given once in a lifetime to the few privileged…The chosen.
By him as much as by us.