That one chance we have at living… (climbing the stairs of our life)

Climbing my way up…
©copyright2014owpp

I always thought my happiness was dependent on a disciplined life and misery on a chaotic food plan.

I believed my behavior was the culprit of my inner-hell.

But a few weeks of frantic bingeing triggered off by some stone in the way of my life made me realize that yes, a clean organic measured food plan contributes to a clear mind, a certain level of stability, an awareness and ability of absorbing the NOW fully but it is not responsible for life and the realities surrounding it.
It does not answer for your reactions towards it and it is surely not the coordinator of your inner.

The inner is your sacred place, you are the only one owning it, it is the birthplace of bliss that you will help grow, the stillness that you will lovingly water and observe carefully as each leaf appears, each twig added, it is you that makes it happen, it is where it all begins…

As you nourish it, its heartbeat will get stronger, it will take all the place, pulsate and vibrate, let itself be cradled in the niche of your soul.

An amazing blogger http://soberidentity.com/ told me not too long ago “that whatever I do toward my food does not change my true self” which I understood to be my soul.

Its health is dependent on my choices, true (whether I nourish that bliss and stillness or not) but it will never change size 😉 nor betray me in any other way. It is intact, unblemished and most importantly it is and will always be what defines me.

True peace and happiness is WITHIN independent of exterior consequences. One can be a total living misery with complete abstinence. Mind-torture is a frame, a free lodger, a habit gone wrong, it is especially badly-wired energy. Our choices are to direct it.

The way is not simple but it is easy as long as we are determined to make a difference in this ONE chance we have at LIVING.

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The past of a very dark day. Sep. 2012 ( Oa essay )

©copyright2013owpp

This is a article I should remember to read when my abstinence quivers or doubts.
Am I glad we don’t have many moments like these in our lives!
There is truly, nothing that tastes better than abstinence.

Dark moment
——————

People usually die once. I have died a few deaths and keep on doing so.
Occasionally, I come back to the living, but end it off, of my own accord.

Some have others torturing them. A partner, husband, friend, colleague… I am privileged. I have my own torturer. ME.
I destroy myself. I am my worst enemy. I attack myself, by stuffing my body with food I don’t even desire or savor. Always in search of some taste bud-thrill, that will entertain my pallet a while longer.
It is a food-rage. It kills my soul, bit by bit. I have gone a thousand times to hell and back. Now, nothing seems to bring me home. I am spiraling downwards and speed my fall by letting go of all the ropes. No relief in sight.
Pain is the only feeling that visits my solitude.
This “ now “ is not the companion I was looking for. I try to shake it off but it sticks to my ego, my famous ego. You know, the one that takes so much space, there is no room for beauty. Just trouble.
I have been told to let go of it and have tried but do not know how.
My journey could have been uneventful had I known the secret but, my ego has a long life or maybe seven lives, like the cats, is it not what they say?
So, I resign myself to my cycle of suffering and despair yet in the hope of getting another glance at a paradise I have lived and left in a nearly forgotten past…

The one that people call with a moan and a sigh… LIFE.

Reaction to post ” Holidays plan of action ” and crazy food thoughts

©opyright2013owpp

My post of ” Holidays plan of action ” lead to a written conversation on the topic of crazy thoughts,
which I am posting today for all the ones interested and concerned about the subject.

My answer to crazy thoughts is as I said, getting busy with something I am passionate about.

Crazy thoughts happen when I’m bored, ( boredom can occur when busy at work too ) which brings
dissatisfaction with myself and life. When nothing other than food fills my mind, I have
to replace it with the good things I have been busy with eg.
my aspirations which I can call a diversion for anyone with a compulsion for, anything ranging from
food to any other substance. I am obviously speaking on a very wide range and understand some recoveries
implicate strong physical reactions.
Oh! I forgot!
They come when I don’t respect my three meal plan either and go hungry.

Yes, we do have to appreciate what oa brings to anyone, searching their way to fulfillment, happiness and serenity,
the wisdom found there ( at least I found it through my sponsor who is an exceptionally worked upon person ) is humongous
but we have to remember that, bottom line, it’s up to us to make it work should it be through prayer, art, sports or any
other tool
we find to alleviate our craze. Writing is for me one of them, that was part of MY program plan, each one has to find theirs.

There is a risk of codependency if we cannot do that. In the end, program is all about recovery, that is the aim, so if a person
finds it through any way that suites him/her, that is the goal and all is perfect in the best of worlds 🙂

Having said that, we still have to go on being aware of signs coming up, act immediately and accordingly so as not to encourage
the old pattern to come back and take its previously comfortable place. Hence, the need to keep the new habits thriving.

Oa is a good place to be, but we just have to encourage our autonomy so, as not to, out of desperation turn it into despondency.
Which is what I was doing before discovering the wonders of blogging. ( Writing and painting became a more intensive practice as a
result rather than a desperate urge to express myself )

Sponsoring

I will always be indebted to my sponsor, she has all my admiration for the wholehearted, loving, selflessly-giving person she is.
I am eternally grateful for the hours she spent pouring love and wisdom unto my eager but still apprenticed soul.

Having reached another level I feel she can be my friend and confidant which is a beautiful and unique thing to have in life.

This is not something that comes along every day and I probably wouldn’t have wanted it with anyone else.

I am thankful she was put upon my path and wishes anyone out there reading this post, to find someone as special as her 😉

Will it ever end? Is there anywhere to hide? ” Food plan relapse ” 2010

Relapse
——-

Today is a relapse day.
Escaping from words of condemnation I prefer to hide behind anything that shields me from the reality of this moment.

Maybe a tree is wide enough.
They have existed for so long, have witnessed it all and are still standing tall and erect, nothing budging them, their gargantuan trunk, sturdy and comforting.

Maybe I should hide behind the reverie of an outside component bringing me to salvation,
or find assuagement behind excuses such as holidays, festivities, people, a country, finances…
Anything to push off, what should be accomplished today.

Is it that operose to adhere to the agenda and utilize the guidance at hand?
Is relapse actually a way of hurling a conniption in the face of existence?

Our overactive mind is hushed with the saying of the wise ( which I have mentioned before )
” Repetition is the only true form of permanence that nature can achieve ”

Well, that is a beginning.
Repetition is all we have achieved until now, but the other way round. Our energies were just badly channeled, all we have to do is ” repetition ” the right way this time.
It appears after all, that our wrangles are a result of our persistence in questioning life’s ( or God, if you will ) role in the realization of our endeavor.

Maybe we should hide less, think less and trust more.

That would simplify a mind in effervescence. Ideally, the highest state of grace would be, to do what is in front of us, at this precise moment every day of our lives.

Re-energized by those self-pep talks, I uproot those trees with a bulldozer, ( figuratively speaking of course ) destroy those outside factors, organize my holidays and birthdays with my sponsor, push in as many implements as possible, mark down in a book the keywords that will have the power to drag me out of my moroseness when needed and importune for the zeal to keep on doing so every moment of my recovery.

How do we get rid of… The cobwebs of the mind ? 2010

The cobwebs of our mind
———————–

When we wake up in the morning, drunk from food, puffed and wheezing, that in itself should be a motivator, a warning…

Oblivious to the dangers, we put our bodies through, we live in a make-belief-world. We lie in bed every night, waiting to be taken to the land of weightlessness.

Years of drilled information leaves our mind with a pile of junk, only a thorough cleansing can get rid of.
Wash, scrub, scour, open up the windows and give an opportunity to a clean new slate!

What if we have too much data, too much ” education ” stopping us from keeping it the way it is… simple?
What if we could literally, build a mountain, by, tossing all the rules and knowledge we’ve accumulated throughout the
years, in a heap? Throwing in, the smallest detail… The thousand different diets, the dos-and-don’ts, stocked up analysis,
take the bewilderment and see the mass grow…

Hurling all the well meant advice, the quotes… chuck out the fuzziness, the distorted habits, the negative experiences
( learnt on the wrong ” benches ” of life ) the just-in-case all sized clothes, the preoccupations, and without hesitation go on adding up every single remnants…

Frustration, will ( or lack of it ) respect ( taken or given in the right or wrong places ) pride, exhilaration, jealousies,
( towards one’s success )

Do that, down to the last precision…

Stand a few steps back and look at the accretion. Admire the pyramid. See it in shape, height, width… Take ” physical ” distance
and see your mind detach from the hoard. Feel identification toward it, fade away.

Give this visualization exercise the opportunity to give you mental space and remoteness from the years of accumulation.
Observe how clean it feels… Now think… What are we left with? What are we confronted with?
once we discard the past, only then, do we realize that we can get down to the most important ” elements ” of this game we take too
seriously and call life.

It is US and the FOOD!

We are faced with the simplest of all decisions. Are we going to put it in our mouth or not? It’s as plain as it gets and can’t get
plainer. After throwing away all the complications our mind creates, we come to recognize it’s as clear as spring water.

The psyche is a dangerous neighbourhood we’ve designed based on a past that is dead and a unborn future.

If we could see this in all its transparency, we would easily burn away the cobwebs of our mind.

Leaving the world of numbness 2012 ( My first day of abstinence )

Withdrawal symptoms
——————–

When we finally decide to leave the world of numbness food leaves us with, and practice abstinence on a moment basis, we are left with a void that needs to be filled.
( That’s when we should consider taking up a hobby )

Feelings are raw, as the effect of over-consumption weans off. We use food as a ” bumper ” to cushion whatever comes our way. It seems easier, but it’s short-lived, false calmness.
Things just spiral out of control and we are left with more than we can deal with. ” Food is not the answer “. That sentence should be written on post-its and stuck everywhere as
reminders.

We forget so easily!

What is important, for all of you out there, who are trying as hard as we do to make this work, is to understand, those are the normal body-cleansing procedures. The withdrawal symptoms if you want. So, don’t curl up in desperation or go back to food. It passes much quicker than expected and we are left with a sense of victory… We made it through without giving up! We persevered until we saw the light shining at the end of the tunnel and now, our mind is clear, our days are brighter, there’s a joyous skip in our heartbeat and every little thing that comes by, seems a blessing.

Why have we waited so long to take this road? Why does everyone ” seem ” ( only to us. They’re surely having a wonderful day! ) so sluggish around us? Can’t they feel what we feel?

Those are ” the promises ” we read in the Big.Book. Suddenly there’s an awakening as to the teachings and we give our thanks to the system that has saved us by giving support to all in need.
We then, go on trying to live in the grace of the moment with the hope, that if we ever come across another crazy wish to take that extra bite, we’ll have the awareness as to the consequences of that fatal gesture.

Enjoy your weekend!