The pit. Sep. 2012 ( Oa essay )

©copyright2013owpp

Life is a journey…
The way for some, is long and arduous but the reward is so gratifying!

In Oa we are like newborns having to learn the first steps of good habits in order to delight in
the ” normal ” life others might take for granted.

I hope you enjoy this essay!

The pit
——–

It happened to me so fast. I was taken by surprise once again.

I am amazed at my gift of falling down the trap so many times and always reacting with the innocence and naivete of a newborn.

How many more of these tribulations do I need until I experience the Nirvana, the bliss of long-term abstinence?

Time and again, I had read about not letting ourselves go Hungry-Angry-Lonely-tired? Those are our red lights. Our warning signs. Yet, that’s exactly what I did, at the beginning of school year in September.

Having to wake up at 6 Am was a major adjustment after two months “holidays “.

It got me extremely tired and by the third day, there was no reasoning going on in my mind. I could not think rationally, give myself advice or take adequate measures.

I found myself as a sleep walker, going to the fridge, stretching out for some food, recollecting vaguely a distant short debate occurring in my numbed mind… “the” voice answering back about not having the energy to fight the urge.

There was no physical strength in me therefore no emotional one either to rationalize. The urge was so big, it just took over. It felt like the invasion of a tsunami. There was no way I was going to find a breach to squeeze myself in to make “it” see sense.

A huge force which I knew from the start who would be the victor.

I let it happen. Did not even feel the “ I ” letting it. I was void emotionally yet it was the “ I “ that wanted to have it, how does one explain that?

The only explanation I can come up with now is, that’s why it’s called “ the pit “ . We hit rock bottom and don’t have the natural resources to behave in a disciplined way. Thinking straight is the last thing possible. Hence, the warnings of H-A-L-T .

Then came the “ revelation “…

Suddenly it all made sense…

All I had to do in the future is, prevention rather than cure. When feeling those “ symptoms “ , look after it in order to prevent the chaos of its destruction once in motion.

It is that simple!

Yet again, not always easy. We tend to forget how dangerous some zones can be, and find ourselves repeating the same mistakes.
I can’t deny the fact that I have learned every time something new, but I wonder what makes me different from other O.A members who grasp at abstinence from the word go and don’t let go of it, aware of its priceless gift.

They take the highway where as I…

I browse, I feel, I hurt, I grunt, I marvel…

I learn.

I learn the hard way. I forget, then, a miracles happen.

I open my file of essays and fall on one article which becomes a new message to me all over again. I open the book “ A new beginning “ and feel it speaking directly to my soul. A million different occurrences which I call miracles.

I imagine it’s my higher power’s way of reminding me, he is there to assist me. To protect and embrace me in his powerful love.

But it is not all about me.

If anyone of you out there reading this article can identify with it, it would make it worthwhile.
If it helps anyone in the slightest way well, maybe, just maybe, taking the long way was not a bad
idea after all.

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Will it ever end? Is there anywhere to hide? ” Food plan relapse ” 2010

Relapse
——-

Today is a relapse day.
Escaping from words of condemnation I prefer to hide behind anything that shields me from the reality of this moment.

Maybe a tree is wide enough.
They have existed for so long, have witnessed it all and are still standing tall and erect, nothing budging them, their gargantuan trunk, sturdy and comforting.

Maybe I should hide behind the reverie of an outside component bringing me to salvation,
or find assuagement behind excuses such as holidays, festivities, people, a country, finances…
Anything to push off, what should be accomplished today.

Is it that operose to adhere to the agenda and utilize the guidance at hand?
Is relapse actually a way of hurling a conniption in the face of existence?

Our overactive mind is hushed with the saying of the wise ( which I have mentioned before )
” Repetition is the only true form of permanence that nature can achieve ”

Well, that is a beginning.
Repetition is all we have achieved until now, but the other way round. Our energies were just badly channeled, all we have to do is ” repetition ” the right way this time.
It appears after all, that our wrangles are a result of our persistence in questioning life’s ( or God, if you will ) role in the realization of our endeavor.

Maybe we should hide less, think less and trust more.

That would simplify a mind in effervescence. Ideally, the highest state of grace would be, to do what is in front of us, at this precise moment every day of our lives.

Re-energized by those self-pep talks, I uproot those trees with a bulldozer, ( figuratively speaking of course ) destroy those outside factors, organize my holidays and birthdays with my sponsor, push in as many implements as possible, mark down in a book the keywords that will have the power to drag me out of my moroseness when needed and importune for the zeal to keep on doing so every moment of my recovery.

What is love 1985 ( Translated from French poem ” L’amour ” )

the love knot
©copyright2013owpp

This poem was written in 1985. Yes, a long time ago, but reading it again made me realize that
given a few corrections, it could be published and could send a bit of joy to my readers.
Let me know what YOU think.
Thanks for all the positive feedback I have received since the improvement
of my blog, I truly appreciate!

Love
—-

Intense and profound felicity cascading
A burst of laughter, the impression of being king

That is love.

On soft skin, a tear forges its way
A asperous hand with a gesture abates the grief

That is love.

A odd habit, sudden irritation
A confession, forgiveness, the same old refrain

That is love.

A heed, cognizance and devotion without illusion
A future traces itself, the miracle of creation

That is love.

Above all, a life, the corrugations of happiness
And a generation indulges the world to its freshness

That is love.

Finally, intense joy cascading
Bubbles of laughter, the magnitude of remaining king

Yes! That IS love.

_________________

L’amour
——-

Une joie intense et profonde débordant de soi
Un éclat de rire, le sentiment d’être roi

Ça, c’est l’amour.

Sur une peau douce, une larme forge son chemin
Une main rugueuse, d’un geste apaise le chagrin

Ça, c’est l’amour.

Une manie, une irritation soudaine
Un aveu, un pardon, toujours la même rengaine

Ça, c’est l’amour.

Un égard, une attention et dévotion sans illusion
Un avenir se trace, le miracle d’une création

Ça, c’est l’amour.

Plus que tout, une vie, les ondulations du bonheur
Une génération qui comble le monde par sa fraîcheur

Ça, c’est l’amour.

Enfin une félicité intense cascadant de soi
Des bulles de contentement, l’amplitude de demeurer roi

Oui! Ça, c’est l’amour.

The arid desert and arriving home 2012

Relapse and hangover
———————-

You wake up in the morning in a daze shaking off the remnants of what you still believe is a nightmare as a dog would, his fur, after a swim in the icy waters of a December sea.

But no matter how hard you shake, reality seeps in the fogginess of your dulled brain, rays
of light sweep through the dingy alleyways and you are confronted with the naked truth.

It was not a bad dream and yet how many times have you woken up having ” binged ” your way through with the foods you would have never assented to in day time.

At this point, not yet fully awake, with the sense of sluggishness lingering and your steps dragging you down as a millstone attached to your ankles, there is no mistaking the self-made situation you find yourself in.

You dust the residues of madness off your shoulders, stand tall, head high and make a conscientious decision to act habitually from now on.

Hope lightens this juncture, regular behavior patterns just pick themselves up back again and join your life, welcomed as a long lost child after a journey in the arid desert of the Sahara.

All is fine and seems under control until remnants, sneak their way back in, just in an instant of inattention. Before you have time to quickly take your ” tools ” out.

And you are back to square one, with a bitter taste in your mouth, lingering for a indefinite
amount of time no matter what cure you seek. So, you accept the notion that there is no quick-fix
for a lifetime of roller-coasters toward food.

Tenacity

You persevere tenaciously with the obstinacy of the doomed, the condemned, knowing there is no way out of this one. You drag out your tool box with purposefulness and pray for the willingness that produces,persistency,determination and patience. And before you know it, you reconnect with the familiar and comforting world of O.A with the soothing feeling of having arrived.

Where isolation does not have a place, where everyone knows how it feels because not so long ago,they were there too.

P.S This article was written four months ago, I am glad for the moment to be home.
I hope you enjoyed it, Let me know.

A moment of clarity and revelation 2010

Detachment…

This essay was written a while ago, but I thought it might help others struggling, if it does, all the better!

Revelations
————-

After two full years of constant relapses, we can get desperate.
So, knowing it’s, this or nothing, we go back to O.A literature we’d given up in dejection, and as we read the
book ” Hope for today ” of O.A, we are struck by three words that keep recurring.

Detachment-Forgiveness-and-Emptiness

Detachment, seems, ( at least for the people who get too involved or entangled ) to be one of the keys to success
in abstinence.

Why?

Well, if we remove ourselves from situations and sometimes people, ( in a positive sense, meaning, right time, right
place ) we’d put less energy, taking to heart THEIR lives or situation and have more left ” to put our house in order ”

If we observe people who are detached, they might seem aloof or cold, but all they are doing is keeping their lives
much simpler than ours.

Forgiveness:
Asking for forgiveness is something we think everyone practices, when harming another.
We feel betrayed, hurt and trampled on, when apologies do not occur. We wait, for recognition of their acts. For
responsibility to be taken, as it’s usually done, after calmly reassessing a situation.

Years go by and we are still waiting… Wasting our time, and on occasion, using food as a temporary relief, when it suddenly dawns on us…

Forgiveness will never be asked for, but what stops us from going on with OUR lives? It doesn’t stop OUR forgiveness.

I quote:
Forgiveness is something I do with my H.P’s help and I do it for me. I don’t need anyone’s apology to begin my healing
process. ( Hope for today. page 274 )

We cannot absorb the meaning of those words all at once. Only later, does it hit us with it’s full impact.
All the hurt, had actually nothing to do with our getting on, living and being happy.

People can choose to stay stuck in THEIR place, but we can and will, live, in its true sense from now on.

Before, everything seemed, one big, muddled heap, but now, we can divide it in two parts. People asking for forgiveness and taking responsibility, is one part that belongs to them and our lives, is the second part that belongs to us.

Free, clean and pure.

Only with that realization are we clear to burst forth, with life, energy and joy.

Excess luggage

Simplify our existence instead of wallowing in the past and wasting precious time. Only then, are we clean. After years of
dragging the muck of a dead past, we don’t have to own it. People have attitudes, which we were involuntary witnesses of,
WE don’t have to carry it.

That is forgiveness. Not bearing excessive luggage and forgiving ourselves for having done so until now. That’s the detachment needed too. Knowing what is ours and what is theirs.

Emptiness:
Emptiness is something everyone has to deal with, one time or another, but occasionally, there is a need to read about others
experiences to fully accept it. We don’t always imbibe the meaning of the term Emptiness and for some, it can be further from
their mind than the moon is to earth.

Emotions tend to dig themselves so deep in the psyche, we might have had a hard time excavating them, had we had the possibility
to do so. Filling the space, emptiness brings, with food, is never the solution, we just end up having to confront two predicaments.

So, here we are, on a holiday, a break or simply at home relaxing, where one has time to ” digest ” ideas we normally would happily
discard, clarity is given an opportunity and before we know it, we are awarded with a second chance to life. But… Sporadically,
our mind takes back old habits ( we never change that fast 🙂 ) and we wonder… Will that feeling last? That sense of elation, freedom
and joy? Will it leave its emblem guiding our ” vista ” or will we go back to our old resentments.

We do not have a clue.

All we can do is ” keep it simple ” live the moment fully, absorb the information and go on from there, to the place we really want to be.

A borough where serenity is king.