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Tag Archives: O.A essay

All the way up!


Yes! All the way up & free ©copyright2014owpp

Yes! All the way up & free
©copyright2014owpp

I am liberated.

Liberation occurs when we are afraid no more of either way we turn out to be, I guess this is what we call letting go.

Previously I have lived in fear of putting on weight & as a consequence resemble my father, loose some & look like my mother, fluctuating between the two for a lifetime perpetually frustrated, seeing their worst in me, never understanding that I was taken away the ability to notice the other side of their personality, that is…

Until today.

When I woke up to a dream of my mother’s lullabies in my ears remembering & realizing that even though she swore she croaked & rattled like rusty pots & pans, she never gave up the pleasures of educating her children in a sing-song voice.
In his own creative way, my father taught us self-reliance, patience & how to spend quality time with his closest.
He taught us things a child never forgets such as, how to roast flour as a snack, design our own sweets from scratch, repair & build things out of nothing.

Pain & anger had obliterated those precious moments rending them insignificant, amplifying & bringing into focus the times of weakness which felt strongly like betrayal.

I am not minimizing the hurt caused nor justifying circumstances which could have been dealt with tolerance, patience, empathy & understanding… all I am saying is that today I am using my lens to magnify what appeared meaningless & putting in the back-burner the heartaches.

There is a time to sow & a time to reap.
Now is the time to appreciate what did go right.
Nothing is stopping me from going all the way up…

No more strings attached…
Free!

This is my journey & I believe it is yours too, for we have traveled a long way in two years.

I thank you for that 🙂

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The slip


Sane paradise ©copyright2013owpp

Sane paradise
©copyright2013owpp

It happens, but after a whole year of peaceful food plan it took me by surprise…again.

Life is made of continual adjustments. Visualize a ballet dancer performing on the rooftop of a moving train, will she/he succeed in providing a flawless performance? No. There are bound to be hiccups.

Well, that is just how I felt as I decided to ban fish from my plate. Never used in excess, nevertheless an important protein I was very fond of.

Being a vegan for twenty five years, I have tried in the past to eliminate all “living” foods but could not muster the needed energy to function on a daily basis so, fish became the exception.

Amidst this blissful quietude came the news (see my last post) shaking my now rooted sane habits of a happy normal life, questioning my profound beliefs in substantial foods.

Those are the vibrations I sensed in the soles of my feet, throwing me off balance and bringing skeletons out…the ones so far back in the closet, belonging to a forgotten past, dislocated from a happy present, so strange to my blessed moments, never dreaming it would ever come in to say Hi, how are you, long time no see…

There was no dread, just numbness. I could not recall the despair felt in the past which should have given me the strength to say…Never again! With all the force needed for mettle and slipped for a few days in a stupor classically brought on by overeating.

My answer as always was my pen, the vortex draining my mind from thoughts circumnavigating to no end and leafing through my long forgotten attempts at writing essays on the subject as a jolt to my dazed condition…awakening me to realization.

Through the reading I plunged into a world that did not belong to me anymore, I was scouring through the life of a stranger, the field was so unfamiliar I wondered how my followers took the time to read through the rambling desperation having the kindness to even comment and like .

At the time the confusion, the pain felt very real, the blog becoming my only instrument of relief, allowing me to publish my unpolished thoughts and accept it for what it was, silently begging forgiveness from my readers and gratefully accepting the generosity of their patience.

A place I would rather keep far away and swap for subjects of art close to my heart. Today.

Today ©copyright2013owpp

Today
©copyright2013owpp

The arid desert and arriving home 2012


food binge

Relapse and hangover
———————-

You wake up in the morning in a daze shaking off the remnants of what you still believe is a nightmare as a dog would, his fur, after a swim in the icy waters of a December sea.

But no matter how hard you shake, reality seeps in the fogginess of your dulled brain, rays
of light sweep through the dingy alleyways and you are confronted with the naked truth.

It was not a bad dream and yet how many times have you woken up having ” binged ” your way through with the foods you would have never assented to in day time.

At this point, not yet fully awake, with the sense of sluggishness lingering and your steps dragging you down as a millstone attached to your ankles, there is no mistaking the self-made situation you find yourself in.

You dust the residues of madness off your shoulders, stand tall, head high and make a conscientious decision to act habitually from now on.

Hope lightens this juncture, regular behavior patterns just pick themselves up back again and join your life, welcomed as a long lost child after a journey in the arid desert of the Sahara.

All is fine and seems under control until remnants, sneak their way back in, just in an instant of inattention. Before you have time to quickly take your ” tools ” out.

And you are back to square one, with a bitter taste in your mouth, lingering for a indefinite
amount of time no matter what cure you seek. So, you accept the notion that there is no quick-fix
for a lifetime of roller-coasters toward food.

Tenacity

Tenacity

You persevere tenaciously with the obstinacy of the doomed, the condemned, knowing there is no way out of this one. You drag out your tool box with purposefulness and pray for the willingness that produces,persistency,determination and patience. And before you know it, you reconnect with the familiar and comforting world of O.A with the soothing feeling of having arrived.

Where isolation does not have a place, where everyone knows how it feels because not so long ago,they were there too.

P.S This article was written four months ago, I am glad for the moment to be home.
I hope you enjoyed it, Let me know.

A moment of clarity and revelation 2010


Detachment...

Detachment…

This essay was written a while ago, but I thought it might help others struggling, if it does, all the better!

Revelations
————-

After two full years of constant relapses, we can get desperate.
So, knowing it’s, this or nothing, we go back to O.A literature we’d given up in dejection, and as we read the
book ” Hope for today ” of O.A, we are struck by three words that keep recurring.

Detachment-Forgiveness-and-Emptiness

Detachment, seems, ( at least for the people who get too involved or entangled ) to be one of the keys to success
in abstinence.

Why?

Well, if we remove ourselves from situations and sometimes people, ( in a positive sense, meaning, right time, right
place ) we’d put less energy, taking to heart THEIR lives or situation and have more left ” to put our house in order ”

If we observe people who are detached, they might seem aloof or cold, but all they are doing is keeping their lives
much simpler than ours.

Forgiveness:
Asking for forgiveness is something we think everyone practices, when harming another.
We feel betrayed, hurt and trampled on, when apologies do not occur. We wait, for recognition of their acts. For
responsibility to be taken, as it’s usually done, after calmly reassessing a situation.

Years go by and we are still waiting… Wasting our time, and on occasion, using food as a temporary relief, when it suddenly dawns on us…

Forgiveness will never be asked for, but what stops us from going on with OUR lives? It doesn’t stop OUR forgiveness.

I quote:
Forgiveness is something I do with my H.P’s help and I do it for me. I don’t need anyone’s apology to begin my healing
process. ( Hope for today. page 274 )

We cannot absorb the meaning of those words all at once. Only later, does it hit us with it’s full impact.
All the hurt, had actually nothing to do with our getting on, living and being happy.

People can choose to stay stuck in THEIR place, but we can and will, live, in its true sense from now on.

Before, everything seemed, one big, muddled heap, but now, we can divide it in two parts. People asking for forgiveness and taking responsibility, is one part that belongs to them and our lives, is the second part that belongs to us.

Free, clean and pure.

Only with that realization are we clear to burst forth, with life, energy and joy.

Excess luggage

Excess luggage

Simplify our existence instead of wallowing in the past and wasting precious time. Only then, are we clean. After years of
dragging the muck of a dead past, we don’t have to own it. People have attitudes, which we were involuntary witnesses of,
WE don’t have to carry it.

That is forgiveness. Not bearing excessive luggage and forgiving ourselves for having done so until now. That’s the detachment needed too. Knowing what is ours and what is theirs.

Emptiness:
Emptiness is something everyone has to deal with, one time or another, but occasionally, there is a need to read about others
experiences to fully accept it. We don’t always imbibe the meaning of the term Emptiness and for some, it can be further from
their mind than the moon is to earth.

Emotions tend to dig themselves so deep in the psyche, we might have had a hard time excavating them, had we had the possibility
to do so. Filling the space, emptiness brings, with food, is never the solution, we just end up having to confront two predicaments.

So, here we are, on a holiday, a break or simply at home relaxing, where one has time to ” digest ” ideas we normally would happily
discard, clarity is given an opportunity and before we know it, we are awarded with a second chance to life. But… Sporadically,
our mind takes back old habits ( we never change that fast 🙂 ) and we wonder… Will that feeling last? That sense of elation, freedom
and joy? Will it leave its emblem guiding our ” vista ” or will we go back to our old resentments.

We do not have a clue.

All we can do is ” keep it simple ” live the moment fully, absorb the information and go on from there, to the place we really want to be.

A borough where serenity is king.