The slip

Sane paradise
©copyright2013owpp

It happens, but after a whole year of peaceful food plan it took me by surprise…again.

Life is made of continual adjustments. Visualize a ballet dancer performing on the rooftop of a moving train, will she/he succeed in providing a flawless performance? No. There are bound to be hiccups.

Well, that is just how I felt as I decided to ban fish from my plate. Never used in excess, nevertheless an important protein I was very fond of.

Being a vegan for twenty five years, I have tried in the past to eliminate all “living” foods but could not muster the needed energy to function on a daily basis so, fish became the exception.

Amidst this blissful quietude came the news (see my last post) shaking my now rooted sane habits of a happy normal life, questioning my profound beliefs in substantial foods.

Those are the vibrations I sensed in the soles of my feet, throwing me off balance and bringing skeletons out…the ones so far back in the closet, belonging to a forgotten past, dislocated from a happy present, so strange to my blessed moments, never dreaming it would ever come in to say Hi, how are you, long time no see…

There was no dread, just numbness. I could not recall the despair felt in the past which should have given me the strength to say…Never again! With all the force needed for mettle and slipped for a few days in a stupor classically brought on by overeating.

My answer as always was my pen, the vortex draining my mind from thoughts circumnavigating to no end and leafing through my long forgotten attempts at writing essays on the subject as a jolt to my dazed condition…awakening me to realization.

Through the reading I plunged into a world that did not belong to me anymore, I was scouring through the life of a stranger, the field was so unfamiliar I wondered how my followers took the time to read through the rambling desperation having the kindness to even comment and like .

At the time the confusion, the pain felt very real, the blog becoming my only instrument of relief, allowing me to publish my unpolished thoughts and accept it for what it was, silently begging forgiveness from my readers and gratefully accepting the generosity of their patience.

A place I would rather keep far away and swap for subjects of art close to my heart. Today.

Today
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The pit. Sep. 2012 ( Oa essay )

©copyright2013owpp

Life is a journey…
The way for some, is long and arduous but the reward is so gratifying!

In Oa we are like newborns having to learn the first steps of good habits in order to delight in
the ” normal ” life others might take for granted.

I hope you enjoy this essay!

The pit
——–

It happened to me so fast. I was taken by surprise once again.

I am amazed at my gift of falling down the trap so many times and always reacting with the innocence and naivete of a newborn.

How many more of these tribulations do I need until I experience the Nirvana, the bliss of long-term abstinence?

Time and again, I had read about not letting ourselves go Hungry-Angry-Lonely-tired? Those are our red lights. Our warning signs. Yet, that’s exactly what I did, at the beginning of school year in September.

Having to wake up at 6 Am was a major adjustment after two months “holidays “.

It got me extremely tired and by the third day, there was no reasoning going on in my mind. I could not think rationally, give myself advice or take adequate measures.

I found myself as a sleep walker, going to the fridge, stretching out for some food, recollecting vaguely a distant short debate occurring in my numbed mind… “the” voice answering back about not having the energy to fight the urge.

There was no physical strength in me therefore no emotional one either to rationalize. The urge was so big, it just took over. It felt like the invasion of a tsunami. There was no way I was going to find a breach to squeeze myself in to make “it” see sense.

A huge force which I knew from the start who would be the victor.

I let it happen. Did not even feel the “ I ” letting it. I was void emotionally yet it was the “ I “ that wanted to have it, how does one explain that?

The only explanation I can come up with now is, that’s why it’s called “ the pit “ . We hit rock bottom and don’t have the natural resources to behave in a disciplined way. Thinking straight is the last thing possible. Hence, the warnings of H-A-L-T .

Then came the “ revelation “…

Suddenly it all made sense…

All I had to do in the future is, prevention rather than cure. When feeling those “ symptoms “ , look after it in order to prevent the chaos of its destruction once in motion.

It is that simple!

Yet again, not always easy. We tend to forget how dangerous some zones can be, and find ourselves repeating the same mistakes.
I can’t deny the fact that I have learned every time something new, but I wonder what makes me different from other O.A members who grasp at abstinence from the word go and don’t let go of it, aware of its priceless gift.

They take the highway where as I…

I browse, I feel, I hurt, I grunt, I marvel…

I learn.

I learn the hard way. I forget, then, a miracles happen.

I open my file of essays and fall on one article which becomes a new message to me all over again. I open the book “ A new beginning “ and feel it speaking directly to my soul. A million different occurrences which I call miracles.

I imagine it’s my higher power’s way of reminding me, he is there to assist me. To protect and embrace me in his powerful love.

But it is not all about me.

If anyone of you out there reading this article can identify with it, it would make it worthwhile.
If it helps anyone in the slightest way well, maybe, just maybe, taking the long way was not a bad
idea after all.

Reaction to post ” Holidays plan of action ” and crazy food thoughts

©opyright2013owpp

My post of ” Holidays plan of action ” lead to a written conversation on the topic of crazy thoughts,
which I am posting today for all the ones interested and concerned about the subject.

My answer to crazy thoughts is as I said, getting busy with something I am passionate about.

Crazy thoughts happen when I’m bored, ( boredom can occur when busy at work too ) which brings
dissatisfaction with myself and life. When nothing other than food fills my mind, I have
to replace it with the good things I have been busy with eg.
my aspirations which I can call a diversion for anyone with a compulsion for, anything ranging from
food to any other substance. I am obviously speaking on a very wide range and understand some recoveries
implicate strong physical reactions.
Oh! I forgot!
They come when I don’t respect my three meal plan either and go hungry.

Yes, we do have to appreciate what oa brings to anyone, searching their way to fulfillment, happiness and serenity,
the wisdom found there ( at least I found it through my sponsor who is an exceptionally worked upon person ) is humongous
but we have to remember that, bottom line, it’s up to us to make it work should it be through prayer, art, sports or any
other tool
we find to alleviate our craze. Writing is for me one of them, that was part of MY program plan, each one has to find theirs.

There is a risk of codependency if we cannot do that. In the end, program is all about recovery, that is the aim, so if a person
finds it through any way that suites him/her, that is the goal and all is perfect in the best of worlds 🙂

Having said that, we still have to go on being aware of signs coming up, act immediately and accordingly so as not to encourage
the old pattern to come back and take its previously comfortable place. Hence, the need to keep the new habits thriving.

Oa is a good place to be, but we just have to encourage our autonomy so, as not to, out of desperation turn it into despondency.
Which is what I was doing before discovering the wonders of blogging. ( Writing and painting became a more intensive practice as a
result rather than a desperate urge to express myself )

Sponsoring

I will always be indebted to my sponsor, she has all my admiration for the wholehearted, loving, selflessly-giving person she is.
I am eternally grateful for the hours she spent pouring love and wisdom unto my eager but still apprenticed soul.

Having reached another level I feel she can be my friend and confidant which is a beautiful and unique thing to have in life.

This is not something that comes along every day and I probably wouldn’t have wanted it with anyone else.

I am thankful she was put upon my path and wishes anyone out there reading this post, to find someone as special as her 😉