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Is it only up to us?


©copyright2014owpp

©copyright2014owpp

We are constantly being told that suffering is an essential component to self-growth, I beg to differ. I’d rather see suffering as optional.
Bingeing which used to be a source of grief, uncertainty & tremendous despair is today, to my latest discovery, part of a project, the germination of… a bit like a disheveled, disconnected & chaotic building-site that takes a turn for the better three quarters of the way, revealing the beauty of careful planning, the scrutiny of detail, the hard earned result of love… perfection & poetry in curves & colors.
Even though I’d rather sail on a pink cloud throughout I envision my “phase” as part of a scheme… a fraction of the perfection about to be.
What we can be sure about is that challenges are transitory & if we realize it is to take us to where the sun shines we might worry less on the way.
Trying to understand the bigger picture has loosened the knots & brought peace when least expected.
Bryant H. McGill says, “Abundance is a process of letting go. That which is empty can receive”.
Letting go of my food for me is the answer to inviting after many years of struggle, abundance & quality in my life.
The question is, when/will it happen & is it only up to me?
That remains to be seen…

That one chance we have at living… (climbing the stairs of our life)


Climbing my way up... ©copyright2014owpp

Climbing my way up…
©copyright2014owpp

I always thought my happiness was dependent on a disciplined life and misery on a chaotic food plan.

I believed my behavior was the culprit of my inner-hell.

But a few weeks of frantic bingeing triggered off by some stone in the way of my life made me realize that yes, a clean organic measured food plan contributes to a clear mind, a certain level of stability, an awareness and ability of absorbing the NOW fully but it is not responsible for life and the realities surrounding it.
It does not answer for your reactions towards it and it is surely not the coordinator of your inner.

The inner is your sacred place, you are the only one owning it, it is the birthplace of bliss that you will help grow, the stillness that you will lovingly water and observe carefully as each leaf appears, each twig added, it is you that makes it happen, it is where it all begins…

As you nourish it, its heartbeat will get stronger, it will take all the place, pulsate and vibrate, let itself be cradled in the niche of your soul.

An amazing blogger http://soberidentity.com/ told me not too long ago “that whatever I do toward my food does not change my true self” which I understood to be my soul.

Its health is dependent on my choices, true (whether I nourish that bliss and stillness or not) but it will never change size 😉 nor betray me in any other way. It is intact, unblemished and most importantly it is and will always be what defines me.

True peace and happiness is WITHIN independent of exterior consequences. One can be a total living misery with complete abstinence. Mind-torture is a frame, a free lodger, a habit gone wrong, it is especially badly-wired energy. Our choices are to direct it.

The way is not simple but it is easy as long as we are determined to make a difference in this ONE chance we have at LIVING.

A day of our lives February 2010 Oa essay


©copyright2013owpp

©copyright2013owpp

A day of our lives
—————

Last night I felt like waiving it all. Does it happen to you too?
Ironically, the arguments I want to run away from are the very reason I will not give up.
Even if the scales prove otherwise, working my character defects is now the reason for me to stay on.
So, I am hanging on a thread, as a spider, slowly weaving my way, consolidating my web.
My thread is my connection to my élan vital. To what is home now. It keeps me linked to my sparkle. That is why I hold on, toil my way through. Anneal the base.
My thoughts shout. Build a wider faction, extensions!
Outreach calls are of paramount importance yet, I have been shying away from that assignment.

We tend to build protective walls around us, which need to be broken down at some point.
Some build fortresses throughout their lives, staking up watchmen to mark their borders that stretch out further and further away from their former territories and lose themselves in it. Opportunities for light and life shrinking away from their grasp as the ebbing of a tide, leaving its emblem to be stamped on by the carefree, merry vacationer.
Others stay jammed between the doors of desperation, forlorn in an ocean of slavery to some addiction or another, plaguing them constantly with thoughts and acting upon them in a half-slumber, as if it is their destiny, as if they had no choice in the matter.
They live in a no-man’s land. In the crepuscule. Passengers erring between countries restlessly, looking for comfort and finding none.
Solace, evading their days and nights. Their soul giving them no rest. Until they are bestowed with the gift of sagacity and composure.
The skills for living in the right sense. Fully, truly, joyfully and peacefully.
Those miracles can happen. It is only up to us to create the vessel to receive them.
All there is to do is hope to be awarded with the volition to shape, mold it, as a sturdy thick, impermeable, hermetically sealed receptacle that will enable us to treasure those gifts never letting them out of our sight,
Whatever the cost.

Good times, what a blessing! Nov. 2012 ( oa essay )


Good times... ©copyright2013owpp

Good times…
©copyright2013owpp

This essay was coming out of the low moments as a result of doing what I have most pleasure in doing. Writing and painting and sharing it on the blog. Music and photography will have to wait until I start feeling more comfortable with those .

Good times
————-

Does it occur to us that sometimes our writings have a tremendous amount of despair or self-abuse described?
Writing is for everyone liberating. It is the first thing that comes to our mind when hurt gnaws at us. At the end of the page we feel cleansed.
But could we focus for once on the times rays of rationality beam through? The days we tuck in fourteen hours of work, feel tired but so alive?
Get so absorbed in our task that we forget about food and eat solely for the physical energy. What a blessing, what a truce! So much easier than the fight.
What about the enthusiasm, the love and joy we spread around, the closeness to our cherished ones and the protective wings we encircle them with, the peace felt, by doing small and seemingly insignificant tasks that feel grand to us?
Small is sometimes big.
Is that not a far brighter subject?
The saying goes “without obscurity we would not see the light“
Appreciation comes from the lack of… Had we not gone without in the past, how could we know what is here now?

This essay is dedicated to all those in recovery. To a world of people who have the courage and audacity to face and work on their imperfections, which everyone has.

To them I bow and wish to give an apercu, a glimmer of what can be, with a bit of tenacity.

Be strong, do not bend to what you would call our darker moments yet, be flexible and undulate with the current, it will lead you to quiet sparkles, to serene bliss and undetected Nirvana.

Can we believe? I do.

That is the journey I took many years ago. Every year I believe I have found all the truth that exists and every year I am proved wrong. There is always some more…

There are many ways that lead to Rome. To a few, it will be wisdom, others, knowledge or experience, which is the best teacher of all, it will lead you to the light brought by comprehension… To that instant of clarity, the split second where it all fits…

The doors open and you walk in a state of…

Life is worth living for, the past trials were all worth it, for this inner-discovery. No loud trumpets, no explosive fireworks, just, THIS… NOW…

And that is all that matters.

Going in circles, lying in wait and questioning Sep. 2012 ( Oa essay )


©copyright2013owpp

©copyright2013owpp

As you see this essay was written a few months ago but I go with the idea that my experience might help someone out there and in that way, take out the positive from the negative, even though some will debate about an experience being negative or not 🙂

Going in circles…
——————-

How do we escape those furious bouts of eating. Why do we have to put the rage of our emotions in food?
Don’t we realize the grave we are digging by such behavior, do we feel our heart beating furiously, our breathing heavier by the second?
Illness is feared by so many yet common sense evaporates into thin air when confronted with food.
Death is a subject practically taboo today, we are so afraid of it but, don’t we realize we are shortening our lives?
How is it possible that we are perfectly rational human beings but totally oblivious to reality when dealing with food?
Somebody in their right sense of mind would never mutilate their body the way we do. We become self-destructive to the extreme and call it “spoiling ourselves-taking a break- letting loose- chilling- taking it easy or taking care”.

Taking CARE of ourselves?!

How could we possibly ever think of it in those terms when, we see our body swelling and ourselves sliding down emotionally to a bottomless pit?
Is this the insanity Oa talks about? Being perfectly sane in all other matters, more than anyone around until…
How do we make sense of all this? We know off-by-heart the words of wisdom, we don’t want to hear them. So, how do we pull ourselves out… Seek our H.P? We know. We do. But WE put ourselves into this mess not him.
In his great generosity he will drag us back out. We know. But why are we still stuck? Will we stay here, this time for good? Where is the energy we need, where did it disappear when we had it?

It went with that ONE bite!

That is how tricky that one bite is. Why didn’t we listen, why didn’t we stop right on time, where did our strength and determination go flying when we were challenged?
So many questions and no answers!
We think we can manage what we call “ that innocent bite “ but that is where it brought us to.
When granted abstinence, we are wearing a crown, we are bestowed with a most precious gift. We should try not to discard it at a whim.

It is easier to say no to one bite, than saying yes, to months of struggle until we muster a mountain of courage to get back on track.

The lesson is, do not throw away what is most valuable to you. Know that abstinence is not a gift we find everywhere, anytime. It is a present given seldom. After seeking, begging for it and offered with much deliberation.

Do we know when the opportunity will arise again? We do not. We lie in wait… Hoping, this time, we will be the lucky winners once again.
But uncertainty gnaws at us, it bites into our hope, bit by bit, until we find ourselves on our knees.

Why does it have to be that way, are we so used to be in “ desperation mode “ and repeat the same pattern to go back to what is familiar and comfortable even if it’s a hell-hole?
How do we and can we, erase our past-programming? Are we doomed or will we realize one day that life has so much more to offer?
Be a slave and serve our addiction or, invite freedom and joy?

We COULD grow up and see that they are the only things worth living for and ask to be given clarity of mind to make the right choices in our lives and, strength to have a lasting abstinence this time round.
The one given once in a lifetime to the few privileged…The chosen.

By him as much as by us.

The pit. Sep. 2012 ( Oa essay )


©copyright2013owpp

©copyright2013owpp

Life is a journey…
The way for some, is long and arduous but the reward is so gratifying!

In Oa we are like newborns having to learn the first steps of good habits in order to delight in
the ” normal ” life others might take for granted.

I hope you enjoy this essay!

The pit
——–

It happened to me so fast. I was taken by surprise once again.

I am amazed at my gift of falling down the trap so many times and always reacting with the innocence and naivete of a newborn.

How many more of these tribulations do I need until I experience the Nirvana, the bliss of long-term abstinence?

Time and again, I had read about not letting ourselves go Hungry-Angry-Lonely-tired? Those are our red lights. Our warning signs. Yet, that’s exactly what I did, at the beginning of school year in September.

Having to wake up at 6 Am was a major adjustment after two months “holidays “.

It got me extremely tired and by the third day, there was no reasoning going on in my mind. I could not think rationally, give myself advice or take adequate measures.

I found myself as a sleep walker, going to the fridge, stretching out for some food, recollecting vaguely a distant short debate occurring in my numbed mind… “the” voice answering back about not having the energy to fight the urge.

There was no physical strength in me therefore no emotional one either to rationalize. The urge was so big, it just took over. It felt like the invasion of a tsunami. There was no way I was going to find a breach to squeeze myself in to make “it” see sense.

A huge force which I knew from the start who would be the victor.

I let it happen. Did not even feel the “ I ” letting it. I was void emotionally yet it was the “ I “ that wanted to have it, how does one explain that?

The only explanation I can come up with now is, that’s why it’s called “ the pit “ . We hit rock bottom and don’t have the natural resources to behave in a disciplined way. Thinking straight is the last thing possible. Hence, the warnings of H-A-L-T .

Then came the “ revelation “…

Suddenly it all made sense…

All I had to do in the future is, prevention rather than cure. When feeling those “ symptoms “ , look after it in order to prevent the chaos of its destruction once in motion.

It is that simple!

Yet again, not always easy. We tend to forget how dangerous some zones can be, and find ourselves repeating the same mistakes.
I can’t deny the fact that I have learned every time something new, but I wonder what makes me different from other O.A members who grasp at abstinence from the word go and don’t let go of it, aware of its priceless gift.

They take the highway where as I…

I browse, I feel, I hurt, I grunt, I marvel…

I learn.

I learn the hard way. I forget, then, a miracles happen.

I open my file of essays and fall on one article which becomes a new message to me all over again. I open the book “ A new beginning “ and feel it speaking directly to my soul. A million different occurrences which I call miracles.

I imagine it’s my higher power’s way of reminding me, he is there to assist me. To protect and embrace me in his powerful love.

But it is not all about me.

If anyone of you out there reading this article can identify with it, it would make it worthwhile.
If it helps anyone in the slightest way well, maybe, just maybe, taking the long way was not a bad
idea after all.